This time of year, I tend to get pretty nostalgic. Each year, as I pack away my holiday decorations, I leave a note to myself for the following year. I like to write the date, how the holiday went and where I am at in my life. It’s usually about a page long.
I decorated my house for the holidays this week and there was my note to self…buried amongst my collections of holiday cheer that I’ve been collecting throughout all of my travels in years past. I read it with awe and wonderment. I couldn’t believe how unhappy I was, just one year ago and how much has changed.
If you knew me, everything on the outside would have appeared happy. Well thought out. Together. Successful. On the inside was an entirely different story. I wrote of how wonderful the holiday was, spending it with my family and actually being home. Being home was a gift. I also wrote of how unhappy I was with work and how I would quit tomorrow if I could. As I read my words, I could feel my sorrow. I was in a corporate job that owned me. 24/7/365. For years I had no personal power. No control over my schedule. I had missed every important event in my life. I missed every wedding, every birth, every death or rebirth and was expected to carry on at work and my life as if nothing happened.
I had a work persona and a personal persona. I know that most of us do…and that’s what I would always tell myself, “it’s ok to not be fully integrated with self, no one is, everyone runs a different work persona”. The reality is, we don’t have to. There was no way for me to be happy because I wasn’t allowed to be my Authentic Self. I was simply a mirage of me, a shell. I found that once I got back home from work, I’d need about 2-3 days to fully realign with myself again but as soon as I did, I’d be called out for another work trip and the cycle would restart. Imagine a world where we can all be fully integrated.
January 2017 was tough for me. I spent the majority of the month on work trips, crying in my hotel rooms…silently…and then smiling and laughing when I was expected to, around my work crew. My soul was hurting. What I now know is my calling had changed. My vibration didn’t match what I was doing any longer. My soul was craving to be integrated. Unfortunately, as humans we tend to not change unless we become completely uncomfortable. Well I was completely uncomfortable. I secretly had been pursuing my spiritual advancement for years now. A side that I’d never be able to show my work persona. The day came where I just said enough is enough. I couldn’t keep this charade up. I couldn’t keep living on someone else’s time frame and schedule, no matter how much I was getting paid. I got home from a work trip and I just knew I could never go back. I couldn’t go back to a life where I didn’t own my personal boundaries, I barely even owned my soul.
I took a leap of faith and honored my soul. I’ve never been happier! I am able to honor my soul and my Earth Plane Body and truly integrate the two. I’m able to authentically say who I am in mind, body and spirit and not be ashamed of it or scared I won’t get hired to work this plane or that plane if they “knew” I was a spiritual person. The days are gone where I have a very cushy salary paycheck landing in my account every two weeks but the benefits of being able to live my life how I want to live far outweigh any financial stress. When you have faith, you just know that you are provided for. I’ve never worked so hard before in my life but I’ve also never felt so myself. Where I welcome this change for the exchange of my personal freedom.
On a day like today where my entire County, Ventura County, CA is up in flames and we are seeing more devastation than we have ever seen, I’m thankful to know that I can be here. Be home. Look out for my neighbors and community and lend them a hand if they need it. This time last year, I would have gotten a phone call from my billionaire boss saying, “let’s get the hell out of here, I can’t take this” and I would have had to fight my way through closed highways, devastation, fires and high winds to get to that damn airplane on time so he could have some fresh air and run from his life.
So as I look back on my “year in review” it’s the little things that I have so much value in. I’m thankful to be here, right now, fighting this devastation out. Assisting where I can. It’s being home every night and actually having a routine. I remember the first moment when my beloved bulldog Luna actually started letting me know she was hungry at the same time, every night and I was able to provide her this routine, it brought tears to my eyes. We had never had that before. It’s cozying in at night and actually knowing what’s on TV. Being able to buy groceries for a week at a time and not having them go to waste. Picking my mail up every day. Harbor cruising with Luna and my parents every Sunday. I was able to have a birthday dinner with my niece this past Tuesday. It’s these little things that I am flourishing in and finding the most happiness in! I am BLESSED to teach 3 days per week and be there for my students and clients. I feel SO BLESSED.
I love that life has these chapters. Showing us how much we have evolved even when we are not aware of it. Allowing us to see the beauty in all life, even in devastation. As a Phoenix burns to the ground, it always emerges even more beautiful and stronger than before.